


Slytherin Acting Course

by Garythesnail00



Series: Misadventures of the Slytherin Common Room [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acting, Bad Ideas, Blaise Zabini is the only reasonable one, Canon Compliant, Crabbe and Goyle are idiots, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Draco Malfoy and his insane plans that never work, Draco Malfoy is Not Amused, Draco Malfoy is a Little Shit, Draco is kind of a bad friend, Dramatic Draco Malfoy, Gen, Hogwarts Third Year, Humor, I'm Bad At Tagging, Insults, One Shot, POV Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson is a Good Friend, Ridiculous, Slytherin, Slytherin Common Room, Slytherins Being Slytherins, Sorry Draco, and he is NOT taking Draco's shit, especially to Pansy, he just puts bullying Harry Potter over the well being of his friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garythesnail00/pseuds/Garythesnail00
Summary: Slytherins don't usually dress up in costume and act, but when they do it's because they want to humiliate a certain scar-faced Gryffindor.We all know the story of how Draco Malfoy pretended to be a Dementor in his third year in a failed attempt to scare Harry Potter off his broomstick. However, there are two sides to every story, and what we don't know is the hard work and effort Draco Malfoy put into perfecting his Dementor impression. One Shot.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson
Series: Misadventures of the Slytherin Common Room [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2171871
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	Slytherin Acting Course

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a stupid little one shot, not meant to be taken too seriously. Unless you want to take it seriously, in which case be my guest.

The Slytherin Common Room was, despite having similar floor plans to the other Common Rooms, completely unique. It wasn't the green decoration and furniture that made this Common Room stand out so much from the others, no. It was the people who occupied the space there that marked it as so very different. 

Gryffindors are known - at least to the Slytherins - for their reckless stupidity. This trait is clearly shown by the crazy parties that they tend to throw in the dead of night only to get caught by their head of house. Hufflepuffs, on the other hand, are known for being lazy duffers, as can be deduced from their obsessions with food and sleep. Then there's the Ravenclaws, who are known for being complete know-it-alls, as is obvious by the loud debates that can be heard all the way from the dungeons. All of these traits that are supposed to be worth treasuring, are painstakingly boring in the eyes of a Slytherin.

In the Slytherin Common Room, you have no idea what you may or may not walk in on. Ambition and cunning can mean many different things, and so there is no telling what these students could be up to at any moment. 

There was a particular student that made the chaos of Slytherin Common Room even more apparent. 

Draco Malfoy could be described in numerous ways. Some may call him an arrogant bully while others may call him a rich, Pure Blooded idol. If asked, he would probably refer to himself as some sort of God-like entity, but that's entirely besides the point. 

The point is, there is no denying that Draco Malfoy is a very colorful character and one of the main reasons for many of the odd happenings inside the Slytherin Common Room. 

Draco is known to come up with wild plans and ideas, most of which - despite his insisting - do not actually work, and all of which have something to do with Harry Potter. More specifically, they have to do with bullying Harry Potter.

It is very unwise for someone to enter the Slytherin Common Room without total, utter mental preparation - and a sword, because without these necessary precautions they may just get roped in to one of Draco Malfoy's crazy schemes.

A particular one of these infamous schemes took place on the evening of a very fine day. 

Draco Malfoy was sitting casually in the Slytherin Common Room, telling and retelling a story that made the surrounding Slytherins shriek with loud laughter. Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle were all eagerly listening to the blonde haired boy speak, hanging on to every word that left his mouth. The only one who didn't seem to be laughing at Draco's story was Blaise Zabini, who watched on with a somewhat bored expression on his face. 

"-and then the Dementors came by and Potter fainted, because he's such a loser," Draco said, smirking gleefully. To add to the mood of his story, he slapped a hand to his forehead and mimed fainting. 

Pansy giggled at the motion, her pug-like nose crinkled in amusement. "And then what happened?" she asked, in between snorts.

A pleasured look crossed Draco's pale face, and he continued, feeding off of her praise. "Then, he fell off his broomstick, and he would have died if the old coot hadn't saved him. Personally, I think it would have been much more exciting if he did die." 

The corners of Draco's lips quirked up, clearly pleased, as Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle laughed out loud at his joke, looking as though they've never heard anything funnier in their entire lives.

"Ooh! Tell it again, Draco, tell it again!" Pansy cried, as she wiped a tear from her eye. She leaned forward, closer to Draco, and grasped his forearm, excitement written all over her features.

"Well, if you insist," Draco said, feigning reluctance, though the mirth in his grey eyes said differently. "There I was-" 

Draco stopped speaking abruptly, as he was so rudely interrupted by the sound of a loud groan. Draco scowled, annoyance dampening his previously bright mood. He sharply turned towards the source of the groan - Blaise Zabini.

Draco shot a threatening glare at Blaise, who simply raised an eyebrow in response. Frowning, Draco attempted to continue his story, "As I was saying-" 

Blaise groaned loudly again, making it painfully clear that he was interrupting Draco on purpose. Draco crossed his arms over his chest. At this point, his good mood had fully evaporated. "What is it, Blaise?" Draco snapped, angrily. "What is so important that you had to go and interrupt my story?" 

"Your story is rubbish. I was just saving everyone's ears from hearing it again," Blaise stated lazily, smiling innocently at Draco's furious expression. 

"My story is not rubbish!" Draco claimed, his grey eyes narrowing. "It was well paced and it had a good punchline. Tell him, Pansy." 

"Yeah! Draco's story was brilliant! It was oh so touching and well spoken - and the acting! The acting was just phenomenal!" Pansy said passionately, coming to Draco's aid without hesitation. 

Blaise rolled his eyes, and ran an exasperated hand through his dark hair. "Yeah, maybe it was decent the first time I heard it, but you've told the same story at least twenty seven times by now." 

"And it was funny every time," Draco said, arrogantly, his pointy chin jutting out slightly.

"Yeah, it was funny alright. In fact, I think it was so funny that it made me die a little inside. That's right. Simply hearing your story actually caused me to lose a piece of my own soul," Blaise said, sarcasm dripping down his overly dramatic words. "You are just so dull, sometimes Draco."

That insult had caused a light, affronted, blush to spread on Draco's cheeks. Did Blaise Zabini just dare to call him dull? Draco knew that he was a colorful character! He was anything but dull! 

"Oh, yeah, I'll show you dull!" Draco said. His voice was slightly higher than normal as he sneered at Blaise, who had the audacity to look amused. "We'll see who the dull one is, once you hear about my brilliant plan." 

Blaise raised one eyebrow at the first mention of a plan. "Plan? What plan?" 

"My plan is to make the Gryffindors lose against the Ravenclaws next Quidditch match," Draco announced, glancing towards Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle who looked at him in awe at this statement. 

"And just how do you think you're going to manage that?" Blaise asked, skeptically. 

"Easy. I'm going to pretend to be a Dementor and scare Potter out of the sky," Draco said, as the color in his cheeks faded, and he went back to looking like his regular, cocky self. Crabbe and Goyle gaped at Draco, stupidly impressed, while Pansy rubbed Draco's arm in support.

Blaise blinked, clearly not expecting that response. "While, I too would enjoy watching that," Blaise admitted, reluctantly. "It isn't going to work." 

"What? Why not?" 

"For one thing, don't you think Potter can tell the difference between you and a Dementor?"

Draco scoffed as if Blaise were a fool for even asking such a question. "I'm not stupid, Blaise. I'm obviously going to dress up as a Dementor first." 

"I didn't know you had a spare Dementor costume lying around," Blaise said dryly. "Is it right next to your hippogriff costume?" 

"No," Draco said, forcefully, not amused in the slightest by Blaise's sassy remarks. "I'll have to make my own. Pansy!" 

"Yes, Draco?" Pansy asked, looking much too happy that Draco was even talking to her. She bit her lip, and stared at Draco intensely. 

"Can you make me a Dementor costume?" Draco asked in a plain, bored drawl.

"Ye- what?" Pansy blinked, confused and distracted. 

"Great. I knew I could count on you," Draco said quickly, before Pansy could decline. He patted Pansy on the shoulder softly, as if she were a child.

"Draco I-" 

"Well what are you waiting for? That costume isn't making its self!" Draco said in a bossy way. Pansy looked torn between her desire to please Draco and her dislike of working. Finally, her need to please Draco won, and Pansy stood up, off to make the Dementor costume he wanted.

Draco's gaze lingered on Pansy for a moment as she left, only turning back to Blaise when she was firmly out of sight. "So Blaise, do you have any more doubts? If so, share them at this time." Draco's voice was light and mocking.

Blaise groaned for a third time, rubbing his temples in irritation. "I can't deal with you this early in the morning." 

Ignoring Draco completely, Blaise stood up and stalked off to go to his dorm room. Draco was stunned for a moment before he hurried to call after him. "But it's not even the morning! It's six in the evening!" 

"Exactly!" Blaise shot back, just before he disappeared from Draco's view completely. 

"Stupid Blaise," Draco mumbled in annoyance, feeling his face heat up once more at the jab. "I'll show him."

Crabbe and Goyle nodded along stupidly.

XXX

There was a window in their dormitory that had a brilliant view of the lake, and as the sun crept up, green light shone in through it, illuminating the room. It was the morning following the initial announcement of Draco's plan, and Draco was sleeping peacefully on his bed. He rolled over, mumbling in his sleep something about hexing Potter, when an obnoxious shriek jolted him awake. 

"DRACO!" 

Draco shot up abruptly, looking frantically around his dorm for some sort of threat, only to see Pansy Parkinson standing in front of him. Draco sighed deeply and fell back down onto his pillows as he tried to calm his racing heart. It was way too early to deal with her. As soon as this thought crossed Draco's mind he scowled at the irony that Blaise had just said the same thing about him the previous evening. 

"I told you to never wake me up this way, Pansy!" Draco murmured, his voice still laced with the exhaustion of sleep. He tried to turn a glare on the annoying girl, but he was much too tired for it to have the desired effect.

"I know - I'm sorry - I just couldn't resist!" Pansy said, her voice sounding way too energetic for such an early hour. "I made you the costume you wanted! It took me all night, but I did it!" 

Pansy eagerly held up a long, dark, Dementor-like robe for Draco to see.

"Mm," Draco mumbled, already on the verge of falling back to sleep. "Good. Now make two more." 

At this, Pansy's face fell, and she gripped the robe tightly in her hands. "What?" 

"Pansy, I can't be the only Dementor at the match!" Even with his eyes closed, Draco scoffed scathingly. "How foolish would it look if I was the only one? Crabbe and Goyle are obviously going to dress up as well. Honestly, sometimes I doubt your intelligence."

Pansy stared at Draco in shocked silence for several long seconds, before she angrily made her way towards him.

Draco felt the reigns of sleep take hold of him once more, and he was just about to doze off completely when Pansy ripped his pillow out from under him out of spite.

"Pansy!" Draco groaned, as he was jolted from sleep once more. He angrily sat up, ready to murder the woman who got in the way of his quality sleep time, but she had already stormed from the room. Draco was quite annoyed, but there was some comfort in knowing that, despite her anger, Pansy would still end up making the robes for him. It was just the way Pansy was. Draco put his head back down on the now pillow-less bed, and tried to get at least a few more minutes of rest.

XXX

"You know, Pansy, these aren't half bad," Draco murmured, running his hands over the soft, silky fabric of the Dementor costumes Pansy had made. 

"Mm," Pansy mumbled, her eyelids drooping as she struggled to keep them open. It was the mid afternoon, and Pansy had finally finished all three costumes for Draco after more than twelve hours of mindless labor. Draco was just happy that the costumes were finished, and didn't spare a thought to the fact that his friend was now suffering from sleep deprivation because of it. 

"I'll get Crabbe and Goyle down here, and we'll try them on," Draco said, but Pansy didn't hear him. Her head was bobbing up and down as she fought her battle with sleep. Ignoring her as he usually did, Draco scooped the three costumes up in his arms, and strode up to his dorm room, where Crabbe and Goyle were sitting about. 

"Enough lazing around!" Draco said, putting his hands on his hips and glaring at Crabbe and Goyle. "We've got work to do!" 

Draco flung the Dementor robes towards Crabbe and Goyle who each watched blankly as they fell into their respective laps. 

"Now, quickly, put these on," Draco ordered.

Draco swaggered across the room, faced the wall and started putting his own pair of Dementor robes on. To Draco's inconvenience, the robes fit him very loosely. They hung off him so much he looked almost like a Weasley in their oversized hand-me-downs. 

Pressing his lips together in annoyance, Draco turned back around to see Crabbe and Goyle with their robes stuck on their fat heads. 

"You bloody idiots!" Draco shouted with no patience left to deal with his dimwitted friends. "Can you not even follow simple instructions? Have you never put on robes before?" 

"Sorry, Dra-"

Draco put up a hand to silence Crabbe. "Shut it. Just put your robes on and meet me in the Common Room. You have two minutes. Don't be late." 

Draco turned on the spot, but to his horror, his foot accidentally got caught on the fabric of his robe and he tripped, falling to the floor with a humiliating thud. Draco mentally cursed the stupid, oversized robes that prevented him from even turning dramatically!

Draco rushed to stand up and glared fiercely at Crabbe and Goyle, daring them to laugh. When they didn't, Draco left the room, making sure to move his feet with much more controlled precision this time.

Just when Draco thought things couldn't get any worse, he returned to the Common Room and was instantly met with the scathing laughter of Blaise Zabini. 

Draco crossed his arms as he observed his obnoxious friend, who was clutching his side in an attempt to get a hold of himself. "What's so funny, Blaise?" he asked, gritting his teeth at his friend's uncharacteristic behavior. 

"Draco, you are the least intimidating Dementor I have ever seen," Blaise replied, once he controlled his laughter and was able to breath again. 

"Well, from the sky, I'll look much better," Draco claimed, pulling down his hood and waggling his fingers intimidatingly. 

Blaise snorted, and looked Draco up and down. "I assure you, your scrawny arse is visible from any angle, Draco." 

Draco let out a furious huff. "Fine!" In a fit of rage, Draco quickly ripped off his too-large robes and threw them down on the floor. "I'll hide under Goyle's robes with him, does that appease you Blaise? I'll just have to get someone bigger to be the third Dementor." 

"Why don't you just have two Dementors?" Blaise asked, tonelessly. 

"Because Blaise!" Draco shouted, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Groups of two aren't intimidating! That's an even number, and everyone knows even numbers are pathetic. We need three Dementors, because three is an odd number, and odd numbers are the most powerful!" 

Blaise simply stared at Draco as he finished his very strange and quite random rant. "Well, who are you going to trick into going along with this ludicrous plan of yours?" Blaise finally asked. 

"You?" 

"Not a chance."

"Pansy?" 

"Pansy's even smaller than you are!" 

"Fine," Draco said, frustrated. "I'll find... someone. Maybe we can hold auditions." 

Blaise was unimpressed. "Auditions?" 

"Yes, that's it!" Draco pumped a fist in the air. "We need to round up all the Slytherins! It's audition time!" 

"You're clinically insane," Blaise said, shaking his head slowly at Draco. "Clinically. As in, We-Need-to-Check-you-into-St. Mungos-Before-you-End-Up-Hurting-Someone insane."

"Oh, shut up," Draco snapped offhandedly. Then, realizing Crabbe and Goyle had yet to enter the Common Room when he had told them they had only two minutes, Draco yelled, "Crabbe! Goyle! Get over here this bloody instant!" 

There was a quick rustle followed by the sound booming footsteps, and Crabbe and Goyle appeared in front of them, all dressed up in their Dementor costumes. 

"Yes, Draco?" Goyle grunted, looking like the clumsiest, stupidest Dementor in the world.

"Spread the word to the others. Tell them I have a plan to dress up as a Dementor and scare Potter off his broom in the upcoming Quidditch match, and that I'm holding auditions for an open Dementor spot! Auditions will be held in this very Common Room in ten minutes!" Draco ordered, sending Crabbe and Goyle off to do his bidding. 

Crabbe and Goyle nodded, ever the obedient minions, but before they left fully Draco quickly added, "And make sure that no one's late!" 

XXX

"Next!" Draco called, utterly bored.

The auditions had been going on for what felt like hours at this point, and Draco had gotten tired of it very fast. He had been watching Slytherin after Slytherin come up and pretend to be a Dementor for him, but the fact was that none of them seemed to have what it takes.

"What's your name," Draco asked, looking at the second year Slytherin in front of him. 

"Astoria Greengrass," Astoria replied proudly. 

"Well, Greengrass, go ahead and give it a go," Draco sighed, motioning for her to begin. "Hopefully, you're a better actor than your sister. She couldn't act for the life of her." 

Astoria's face contorted like she's been slapped. "Excuse me! I'll have you know-" 

"You are cutting in on valuable audition time," Draco said in a sing-song voice. 

Scowling, Astoria brought up her hood just like a Dementor. She then brought her arms up in the air and waved them spookily. 

"I've seen enough," Draco cut her off. Astoria took her hood down and stared at Draco in strong dislike. "Did you not get the memo? You are supposed to act like a Dementor, not whatever that was. Oh, you did get the memo? Well then, apparently bad acting genes do run in the family after all. Get out of my sight, Greengrass." 

Astoria huffed, offended, and stomped her way out of the room. "Next!" Draco called out for the next candidate to come and act for him.

At this, Millicent Bulstrode stumbled up in front of Draco, wearing a pair of her own robes.

"Well, you're certainly the right size to be a Dementor," Draco noted, wrinkling his nose at the rather large girl. "Get on with it." 

At Draco's cue, Millicent began to flap her arms rapidly at her sides mumbling some nonsense that sounded like, "OOGA OOGA!" 

"Stop!" Draco cried, looking at Millicent with horrified disbelief. He shook his head slowly, his eyes wide with disgust. It took him several seconds to gather his thoughts together before he said, "That was the absolute worst thing I have ever witnessed, and I once saw Crabbe scarf down an entire, bloody, cheese cake! Have you forgotten that we're trying to scare Potter? We're trying to make him faint! If Potter saw what a fool you just made of yourself, he would laugh! We're not trying to entertain the git! We are trying to cause his blood pressure to drop, thereby reducing the circulation to his brain and cause loss of consciousness!" Draco was actually screaming by the end of his rant, his face flushed. "Can no one act in this place? No one at all? All I'm asking for is a believable Dementor impression to endanger Potter's life! Is that so much to ask? Next!" 

Millicent stalked out of the room with her head down, appropriately ashamed. The next person to enter the room was Marcus Flint. He was a big, stupid seventh year. 

Draco let out a long sigh to release some of his frustration. "Listen, Flint. Before you start let me just say; Do not wave your arms around like an idiot, and do not make any stupid sounds. Can you do that for me, Flint? Can you make a believable Dementor impression?" 

Flint grunted in affirmation.

"Good. Let me see, then." 

Flint pulled his hood down, to make himself look more like a Dementor, and then he did something extraordinary. He stood there. He simply stood there, with a straight back and his arms stiff at his side, not moving a muscle. 

Draco might've cried in joy if not for his need to uphold his reputation. Instead, he clapped his hands together once and looked at Flint in awe. "Perfect! Yes! Just stand there - just like that! It's a perfect Dementor impression!" 

Flint removed his hood and flashed Draco a toothy grin. Draco ran up and would have hugged Flint, but of course he had too much dignity for that, so he just feverishly shook his hand instead. "You're hired! I'll see you later tonight, while we practice before the show-"

"Show?" Flint asked. 

"I mean - the Quidditch match," Draco said hastily, shaking his head as if to clear it. "Just be here tonight for practice, and for the love of Merlin don't be late!" 

XXX

Crabbe, Goyle, and Flint were all standing stupidly in the Slytherin Common Room, clad in their Dementor robes, while Draco watched them with excitement written all over his pale, pointy face. 

"Okay, before we start, we will need someone to fill in for Potter..." Draco's eyes swept around the room for someone fit to play the role of Potter for their rehearsal. "Hm...no he's much too big to be Potter. Maybe him? ...No, he's much too ugly to be Potter. Hm..." Draco's eyes finally rested on Pansy, who was slouched in a chair, barely awake. Apparently she was still a bit tired from all the work she did earlier. "Hm...well, she doesn't look much like Potter, since she's a girl and Potter's a boy, but she'll have to do. At least their name's start with the same letter. PANSY!" 

Pansy's head snapped up, alarm in her eyes before it faded and recognition took its place. "What?" she slurred, blinking herself awake.

"Stand up here and pretend to be Potter for us," Draco demanded, pointing at the spot he wanted her to stand.

"Yeah...okay...sure," Pansy mumbled, standing up slowly and rubbing at her eyes.

"Okay, get ready everyone - pull your hood up, Goyle - and...ACTION!" Draco called, just like a Muggle director would.

At Draco's cue, Crabbe, Goyle, and Flint stood perfectly still in their Dementor robes.

"Perfect!" Draco whispered, happy tears forming in his eyes at the beautiful display of acting. When they stood like that, not moving and wearing their costumes, they looked identical to real Dementors. Never before had Draco seen such a marvelous show of-

THUMP. 

Draco was broken out of his thoughts by a loud thumping noise. He turned to see Pansy lying on the floor, sound asleep. Apparently she couldn't fight the overwhelming urge to sleep any longer, and had toppled over in exhaustion. 

"Yes, that was a perfect Potter impression Pansy," Draco said, an amused smirk sneaking its way on his mouth.

Draco sat and leaned back in his chair, sighing happily. At this rate there is absolutely nothing that could go wrong at the Quidditch match. Draco snickered to himself as he imagined the look on Potter's stupid face when he sees the Dementors draw near. Potter's going to be so scared, Draco wouldn't be surprised if he screamed like a little girl. Maybe he'll even pee his pants in fear. The thought of that was so hilarious that Draco could hardly-

"You're going to get in trouble for interfering with a Quidditch match, and attempting to harm a student," Blaise pointed out so suddenly that Draco flinched and spun around on the chair to face him. Draco hadn't even seen him enter the room, but now that the instant surprise had worn off he had pinned Blaise with the meanest stare he could muster.

"Shut up, and stop interrupting my internal musings, Blaise!" Draco pointed an accusatory finger at Blaise who remained unaffected.

"Fine, but don't say I didn't tell you so," Blaise said ominously, before swiftly exiting the room once more, leaving Draco to his peace. 

Draco sighed, and continued with his wonderful thoughts, as the three Dementor actors continued to stand still, and Pansy continued to sleep on the floor, snoring softly. Things were certainly starting to look up for Draco. It was a lot of work, but absolutely, positively, nothing could get in the way of Draco's plan. 

At least, he hoped not.

**Author's Note:**

> This was funnier in my head, I swear. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading down to here. 
> 
> In case anyone cares, I have two more of these little stories that I'm planning on posting to this series. They are in desperate need of editing and revision right now, but they will be up soon.
> 
> I would appreciate any and all feedback that you are willing to provide. Again, thanks for reading. :)


End file.
